Fall in Love, Stay in Love, and It Will Decide Everything...

                This past weekend we had our Re-Orientation/Dis-Orientation retreat with our Program Coordinator from JVC. The only way to describe it was: perfect….the ideas, both personal and JVC-centered, were exactly what I needed and wanted to reflect on. I have been in Tanzania long enough to finally apply the JVC values and Jesuit mission in an authentic, purposeful way. This retreat gave me an opportunity to process the last ten months, rediscover the Jesuits values that initially drew me to this program, and decide how I would challenge myself to dig deeper and push myself to grow further in the next fourteen months.

                When I was at Summer Orientation in Boston in July 2012, I was asked to write a personal mission statement....describing how I would like to be, think, and act as a Jesuit Volunteer in Tanzania. Having never been to Tanzania before and having absolutely no clue how my life here would take shape, it was pretty impossible to write or create anything practical. If we are being honest, I have not looked at that mission statement once since being in this country; in fact, I am not even entirely sure where it is or if I even still have it. Well, during the retreat we were given a chance to improve and/or rewrite our statements.

                Prior to the time we were given for that, we had an entire day of silence which, being the introvert that I am, was so wonderful. At the beginning of the silence, my program coordinator returned a letter that I had written to myself at Summer Orientation and a copy of all of my essays from the application process (written almost TWO years ago!).  Both were incredibly helpful for reflecting on how far I have come and for reminding me why I wanted to do this in the first place.

                If I had to describe the Kathleen that wrote my application essays, the adjectives naïve and idealistic would immediately come to mind. I really thought I had it all figured out…I was so sure of myself and my abilities; I thought I had the secret formula to being the perfect Jesuit Volunteer. I sugar-coated the life of a JV, thinking that because I was seemingly well-prepared for this experience, I would effortlessly find only beauty and joy in every part of this, that even the challenges would be welcomed and gracefully tackled. I thought my personal imperfections would magically be fixed or outgrown; I thought it would be possible to serve flawlessly without personal hardship or challenge. Well, needless to say, I have been far from perfect in this.

                The themes and ideas that dominated many of my essay answers have been less than prominent in my time here. My faith and my commitment to social justice (two of the four main JVC values) have taken a back seat to viewing my job as a teacher as just that, a job; I find it harder to view it as faith-centered, social justice-centered service as I thought it would. I have not asked the hard-hitting questions about the social injustices I have witnessed and I most certainly have not made God the center, or even the priority, in my time here. I had a lot of expectations for how I’d feel and act but then reality and routine set in; life can be just as boring and mundane as in any other part of the world. It’s impossible to always think about God or social justice in every single aspect of one’s life. If you looked just at my application self and compared it to where I am today, you would think we were two completely different people.

                Luckily, when I read my letter to self from Orientation, I discovered a less lofty and more realistic version of Kathleen. Somehow, on my 22^nd birthday, a year and three months ago, I knew that I would struggle to find God in the midst of the day-to-day Tanzanian life I now lead. I seemed more open-minded and had less expectations of perfection than my application self. I emphasized the importance of simple living and community (the other two JVC values) and I feel I have stayed committed to those ideas. I have not strayed as far away from myself as I believed after initially rereading my application essays. I gave myself some pretty sound advice, relevant for how I want to challenge myself mentally and emotionally in the rest of this experience: “Be present in the moment always. This is how you will learn the most and be able to give the most back. Don’t forget where you come from or what you’ve been through to get to where you are today. Ask God constantly to show you where He/She is in your life and ask to be pulled in that direction.”

                Reading through the essays and the letter helped me to create a new and more authentic mission statement for the upcoming year. I have discovered where I have faltered since beginning this process (beginning with the application) almost two years ago and I have also be affirmed in the areas I have stayed true and committed to since Day 1. My autobiography essay was centered on one of my favorite prayers from a Jesuit named Pedro Arrupe about falling in love with something. I expressed in my essay that growing up I never really had that thing that screamed “Kathleen.” But when I got to college and I went on my first international service trip, I knew that service would play a major role in the direction my life would take. I had fallen in love with service, and more specifically, service centered around the Jesuits values. So, I used this prayer again to rewrite my personal statement for Year Two (non-bolded words are from the original prayer and bolded is what I added):

Nothing is more practical than finding God in Tanzania,

that is than falling in love with this place and its people in a quite, absolutely final way.

I am in love with my students, my co-workers and friends, my neighbors, my host family, my parish, and my JVC community.

Teaching, the school magazine, simple living, spirituality, and the pastoral circle seize my imagination.

The four JVC values affect everything.

My students and moving the Jesuit mission forward get me out of the bed in the morning,

My community, my commitment to simple living, and my awareness of the importance of self-care affect how I spend my evenings.

My thirst for knowledge and understanding of Tanzanian culture should decide how I spend my weekends.

I want to read about spirituality and social justice and how they are connected.

I want to know Tanzanians and be invited into their lives and their stories. I want to know their joys and their struggles …to sit with them in those and know when that’s enough, even when it breaks my heart.

A simple “Karibu sana” from a stranger and the faith-centered, people-centered lifestyle in this place amazes me with joy and gratitude.

I have fallen in love with Tanzania,

I have stayed in love with service and the Jesuit values,

And those things together will decide everything.

                So, as I look forward to whatever unknown adventures and tribulations the next year will undoubtedly bring, I will challenge myself to remember what I have fallen in love with because that should at the center of everything I do. 

You must protect Teacha!!

“You must protect Teacha!” said Elvis to Athumani during today’s football match at sports time. 

               For reasons I still don’t fully understand, I am the head of the Personality Development and Sports Department (PDS) and I also teach the PDS to Standard 6. So, every week the 29 boys beg me to let them go outside to play football during class time. Sometimes we go, when the lesson is short and there is time in our 80 minutes together; sometimes we get caught up in really good discussions about corporal punishment or respect and time gets away from us. Well, as the boys relentlessly reminded me all day, it’s been about a month since we went outside last. Today I gave in and we spent the second half of the class outside.

                Having thought this morning that there wouldn’t be time to go out, I wore a long, straight blue skirt and my beaded flip-flops to school. Big mistake. When we got outside, I somehow stumbled onto the field and one of the 15 girls in the class called to me, “Teacha! You are a goalkeeper?!” When I looked around, I realized that I was right smack dab in the middle of the two rocks that were serving as the goal posts for one team. My initial reaction was to yell, “No way!” while running off the pitch, but I found the words, “Why not?!” spilling out of the mouth. I kicked off my sandals and mentally prepared to make a fool of myself in front of the entire Standard 6 class (the coolest class in school, by the way.)

                Luckily for me, the team I had found my way on to was really good and the ball stayed at the other end of the field for most of the game. When the ball found its way to me the first time, I felt inadequate and became nervous. Did I really just voluntarily subject myself to possibly looking like a total fool out there? Is my hand-eye coordination good enough to at least look like I knew what I was doing? And just as I was beginning to doubt myself and felt alone between those two rocks, I found students Elvis and Athumani were on either side of me, ready to defend their goal, and their teacher, against the other team. This is when Elvis looked at Athumani and said, “You must protect Teacha!” What a great moment…Elvis could have said, “Teacher, you’re not good enough,” or “Athumani, cover the goal, teacher can’t do it.” But we were a team and when I wasn’t so sure I could do it, I was reassured that my students had my back.

                It wasn’t about individual ability, but working together as a team. I wish I could say I taught them that, but I feel like that’s the way they have always viewed sports, which if really refreshing. It’s not about the individual all-star’s success, but the team that looks out for each other is the one that comes out on top. And in the next moment, with that in mind, I knew I had to give it my all, not to save face, but to play my part on the team. I put my hand out and blocked the first goal attempt from the other team! I got several thumbs up and a grin from Elvis that said, “You’re pretty good, Teacha!”

                I punted it back down to the other end and waited and waited and waited as my team tried over and over again to score. A few minutes later the ball was back in my direction, headed straight for my head but this time I felt more than confident. I don’t know what it was but today, after that first solid block, I became more comfortable on a sports field and in a competition (if you know me at all, you know I hate competition) than ever before. Mostly, I am sure, because I had some great kids on my team and knew they would make up for my lack of ability. Luckily, as the ball came barreling toward me, I put my heads up just in time and knocked it away. They tried to score again…I kicked the ball to Athumani. Another block! At that moment, Elvis turned to me again and said, “You are a good goalkeeper!” I never in a million years would use “good” and “goalkeeper” in the same sentence when describing my football abilities unless the words “at watching someone else play the…” was put in the middle.

                Five minutes later the bell rang and I received more thumbs-up and several ‘Great job!’s from my students. We won 1-0 and it was awesome. Maybe it was a small victory and something that my students won’t even remember during sports next Wednesday but I did it. I played football barefoot, in a long restricting skirt, in the heat of the day, and I held my own. I think I earned just a little bit of “street cred” with my hard to impress, incredibly talented football playing 6^th graders.

               

                

A Successful Failure

Life lesson #294: It is possible to totally succeed and utterly fail at the exact same time.

                Two and a half months ago, two of my friends/co-workers approached me about the possibility about starting a school magazine at Gonzaga. I immediately jumped on board…I love journalism and knew my students would benefit from the opportunity for self-expression that this project would create. Being involved in yearbook during high school and newspaper for a short time in college, I was feeling confident about it and had a lot of grand ideas. We quickly put together a team of the best and brightest (and secretly, some of my absolute favorite) students. Much to my joy and surprise, they all wanted to be a part of this brand new project.

                Soon after our initial meeting, we began working before school twice a week and I spoke with the head teacher to make sure that we would have access to the resources we would need….time in the computer room, the ability to scan, a camera for pictures, a flash drive for our documents, and most importantly, a way to print the magazine once it was complete. Luckily, she told me that all of those things were possible.  I was told that our deadline should be September 28^th, the day of Standard 7’s graduation. We could have a table set up for students and parents to buy a copy. It seemed manageable to me…that gave us just over two months to complete it. Things were panning out smoothly.

                After our meeting, I told my students to start working on what they wanted to write. Each one, with little guidance from me and the other teachers, took it upon themselves to set up interviews with the headmistress, academic deans, various students, and members of the supporting staff. They wrote interview questions, took pictures, and collected drawings and stories from their classmates. One particular student in Standard 5 took initiative and appointed herself as Magazine Photographer. Things were coming together quickly…by the middle of August, their interviews were done and I had created a simple template to begin piecing our content together.  I was feeling confident.

                At the beginning of September, we had a 2 week break from school and I was traveling to Dodoma and Arusha with my community mates. This meant we would lose two weeks of work time; when I left for Dodoma on the 15^th I was not entirely sure we would finish, since we would not be back in school until the 23^rd…five days before the proposed deadline. Let’s just say, that of the 30+ hours I spent on three different buses during that two weeks, at least half of that time was spent scheming various ways to ensure we completed this awesome project, which was gaining a lot of enthusiasm and interest from all kinds of students.

                So, I returned to work on the 23^rd and hit the ground running with the final stages of design, layout, and proof-reading. Every spare minute I had was spent on the computer ensuring that everything was ready. Unfortunately during most of this final week, we were also all very busy preparing other important elements for Saturday’s graduation. I was feeling the pressure…and the disappointment that would follow if the magazine wasn’t ready on time.

                On Wednesday, I told the head teacher we were ready to print and to follow her lead on making that happen. Well, as it often happens, there wasn’t actually a plan for how to execute this important aspect of the process. We did not have the resources to do the printing ourselves. Not knowing where we could outsource on such short notice, I called one of the Jesuit brothers at the high school to see if they could help. He suggested I speak with someone there who was in charge of printing services. So, I went, during the school day when I should have been teaching, to see if she could help. She could help….but not that day. I was to come back the next day…two days before our launch date.

                Thursday morning came quickly and I found myself in the same office I was in the afternoon before….but what I couldn’t find was the woman who was supposed to help me. She was at a funeral. Luckily, the other people in her office were more than helpful and I got 25 copies printed. When we started this project two months ago, I was originally hoping to have several hundred copies so that it would be available to students. But then I was told that it was out of our budget….something I wish had been conveyed to me two months ago. I tried to take it in stride and when I left Loyola with my 25 black and white copies, I was on top of the world. It wasn’t much but we had something to show for all the hours of hard work my students put into making this happen.

                When I got back to Gonzaga, a 10-mintue walk in the scorching noonday heat, sweat running down my arms, wilting the heavy stack of paper I was carrying, I was immediately met with….how should I say, dissatisfaction and criticism. “Why are the pictures in black and white? This isn’t good, we can’t give this to the students.” Bam! I was instantly knocked off the top of the world. Everyone wanted to look, everyone had an opinion, and I began to feel disappointed in myself. I tried and did the best I could with my limited resources and skill set. I don’t know the first thing about getting colored copies printed in bulk in this country. I was told that we shouldn’t have it at graduation; that it was better to wait until we could make colored copies. I was defeated. I was upset that my students wouldn’t be able to see the fruits of their labor after I had promised them we would be ready.

                Fortunately, by the end of the day on Friday we had a plan. We printed just three colored copies, two for the Guest of Honor of the graduation and one for the Accounts Manager of Gonzaga (the same Jesuit brother who helped me get them printed at Loyola). One of the other magazine moderators had the idea that we could have the guest of honor auction off one of his two copies as a fundraiser for our project. We would also tell the parents and other guests that they could make a small contribution for one of the black and white copies; they would later receive colored copies once we had the funds to print them.

                So, Saturday came and the wonderful graduation celebration began. After the Guest of Honor’s speech, we presented him with his copy, officially launching the first ever school magazine. When it was explained that we hoped he would auction off one copy, he promptly pulled out 10,000 Tanzanian shillings (about 6 USD) and bought it for his wife. Then, the hired professional MC quickly turned the whole thing into a fundraiser….he promptly began asking for contributions for the lesser-quality black and white copies. One person came forward pledging 5,000 TZA sh., the smallest recommended contribution amount. Then another person…”elfu kumi” (10,000). Then another…”elfu kumi;” and another…”elfu hamsini”…50,000 shillings!!!!!! And the people just kept coming…by the end, we had less than 5 copies left and we had raised over 360,000 Tanzanian shillings (about 220 USD).  All of the work and unfortunate mishaps paid off….at the end of the day, it was a success.

                 

                Life lesson 294: It is possible to totally succeed and utterly fail at the exact same time. So the magazine wasn’t exactly how we imagined it would be two and a half months ago. The launch didn’t go as smoothly as we hoped it would. BUT we did have something to show for our two months of slaving over the computer screen and now we have a great starting point for funding the future of this project. Our initial failure of not having colored copies somehow managed to create a superbly successful fundraiser! And more than that, to know that parents and other supporters of Gonzaga believe in this project is a success in and of itself.