Sitting in the Uncomfortable

There have been numerous occasions since I’ve been here, at least once a day if we’re being honest, when I felt uncomfortable. This is quite a challenge, namely because there was very little I could do about feeling that way. This ranges from being stuck on a packed dala dala (bus) in the middle of sweltering heat sitting at one of the busiest intersections in all of Dar for 40 minutes to conversations in Swahili that I sometimes simply could not understand, no matter how slowly or carefully the person spoke to me.

I’ve gone through a great range of emotions, a love-hate relationship really, with this idea of sitting in the uncomfortable. In the beginning, I had an “Embrace It All” attitude, ready for this new and exciting adventure. I was green, ready to blossom in all the ways I imagined I would. Nothing could get me down, not the longest bus ride or the most confusing conversation, because I was having an “experience of a lifetime.”

With time, however, my attitude shifted. It was no longer an “experience of a lifetime,” it was simply life. A life that my friends and neighbors will almost all have to live forever. This is not a choice for them, this is not a grand adventure, and this is not temporary. So, for a while, my mindset became: sit in the uncomfortable in order to better understand the lives of the people you love and to be in solidarity with them. Do it because they do it day in and day out.

This is still the bedrock of my philosophy…being in solidarity is at the center of understanding and my desire to work for change. But now what I have to consider is how I will walk with them from thousands of miles away, instead of in the same neighborhood, experiencing the same struggles and triumphs sprinkled among the everyday injustices. That is a whole new kind of uncomfortable.

With the views and ideas I have formed in the last two years, I have been able to understand more fully what life is like in the developing world. I will never fully understand, of this I am certain. However, now with my more extensive knowledge, I can be a better advocate and challenger of the imbalance between developed and developing. I have experienced daylong power outages and weeks without running water. I have sat in silence and sorrow as my friends mourn the (often premature) death of their children or parents. I have watched countless children sent home from school because their parents or guardians could not pay school fees. I have encountered people who have been so screwed by the system that they resort of thievery or booze. I have seen homes and communities destroyed by flooding that could have been avoided with better infrastructure and waste management systems. I have met people who were failed by the education system, which is brittle and full of holes. I have had many opportunities to sit with people in the midst of their own discomfort.

Now, more recently, I’ve found myself with a “sit in the uncomfortable because you won’t have to do it too much longer” outlook. I won’t have to sit on crowded dala dalas, or use any public transportation for that matter. I won’t have to walk a great distance over rocky ground under the scorching heat. I won’t have to haggle for a reasonable price for a piece of fruit. “Soon,” I keep telling myself, “you won’t have to take that extra breath for patience. It will all be easy again in a few months.”

This is where the real problem comes about. Does this mean that I believe once I get back to America, I no longer have to be uncomfortable or challenged by the things I witness and experience? And if I do believe that, what have the last two years been about anyway? This is a formation experience…a way to get a better grasp on the world and be a witness to the way most of humanity (aka the developing world) lives in it.  Just because I don’t really have to live uncomfortably if I don’t want to, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t.

I must challenge myself to continue sitting in the uncomfortable. I must keep asking if I am contributing to the further destruction of the earth, what I am consuming, which organizations and companies do I support and how are they (if at all) supporting the people in developing countries that are not receiving a fair wage or their most basic human rights? What am I doing to tip the scales of justice and in which direction?

What am I going to do differently than I had done before coming here? Which lessons and intentions from my time here will follow me home? Will I continue to be careful of how much water I use and the way that I use it? Will I check products before buying them to ensure they are committed to ideals of fair trade and are environmentally friendly? Will I take time to do things like cook instead of paying for the convenience of pre-packaged food? Will I actively choose to take public transportation instead of getting into my big car, filling it with gas, and driving somewhere alone? Will I remember to take time for people, instead of isolating myself in Facebook World or TV Land? As a professional educator, how will I commit my life to improving education internationally? How will I treat the people I encounter that come from all walks of life?

How will I push myself to remain uncomfortable and ask the difficult questions? How do I keep from becoming complacent when it would be so easy to do so? Sitting comfortably is the same as being quietly satisfied and I refuse to be still and silent in a world that is in great need of social change.

How will I gently, without losing courage or conviction, push my peers toward the same call to action and advocacy? I cannot shrink away from the essential beliefs I have built upon during the last two years because I am afraid to challenge others and they are equally as afraid of being challenged. I must stand strong in my desire to stir the pot of complacency.

I will not sit and I will not be comfortable. We must go out into this big world, understand how we are failing it and each other, and do something about it…whether through being educated on issues of social justice and conservation or using the knowledge we already have, in partnership with our passions, to devote our lives to greater change.

Here’s to always sitting in the uncomfortable.

Gonzaga Day. Rwanda. Safari in the Serengeti. And the Gift of Family….all in one blog!

June.

Where do I even begin? I think I can safely say that this past June was the busiest month I’ve had in this country to date.

Gonzaga Day 2014

It started out perfectly, with a Gonzaga Day celebration that matched last year’s. My Standard 4 students sang “With My Own Two Hands,” by Jack Johnson. While none of them is going to release the next hit single anytime soon, they are definitely more adorable than any chart-topping artist this summer. As always at Tanzanian celebrations, there was excellent food and lots of dancing. It was so much fun and I will always cherish these memories with students when we can enjoy being together outside of the classroom.

Immediately following the big day at school, my community and I hopped on a bus which took us to Kahama, 16 hours northwest of Dar. This was our one pit stop along our journey to Kigali, Rwanda. From there, we traveled another 4 hours to the border and four more from there to Rwanda’s capital city. Rwanda is hands-down the most beautiful country I have ever been to. It lives up to its name as “Land of a Thousand Hills,” which is breathtaking; there was a view from wherever we were in the city.

View of Kigali city center

When we arrived, we found our way to the Jesuit community where we awaited the arrival of our Jesuit friend, Emmanuel, who was working in Dar at the high school but is from Rwanda. We spent a week with him there, visiting the Jesuit primary and secondary school there, meeting his family, exploring the city, and taking a day trip to Lake Kivu, on the border of the DRC. 

Dinner with Emmanuel and his family

After an amazing week learning about another unique part of Eastern Africa, we headed back to Tanzania to welcome the first in our long line of visitors from home. First was Former Jesuit Volunteer (FJV) Gretchen and then Katie’s friend Jimmy. A few days later FJV Cat arrived, then my entire immediate family, and then Katie’s dad. All of these visits (except Katie’s dad, who came later) overlapped for just one day, which also happened to be the wedding of our dear neighborhood friends, Mama and Baba Amos.

My parents and brothers arrived in Dar very early on the morning of June 28^th. There are no words to describe the feeling of seeing them again after 18 months. It was weird and wonderful and I couldn’t stop smiling. I sometimes still can’t believe that they were here. I am so proud of the way they jumped right into my life here.

First of all, on the way home from the airport, we got pulled over by the police. No joke. It was about 3:30 in the morning and my friend was driving us in his van. There was no one else on the road and suddenly this police man was waving at us to stop. So we did and one of them came over to my window. Not knowing what they wanted or what to say to make them happy, I started explaining in Swahili that my family had just arrived, that I was a teacher and volunteer, etc, etc. After a few minutes they let us go, without really explaining why they stopped us in the first place. What a way for my family to begin their trip!

After a few hour's rest, we headed to the church for the wedding mass of my friends. Then later in the evening, we hopped into 3 bijajis (small open cars used as public transport): myself with my parents and Christopher; Daniel with my community mates Erin and Alyson, and neighbor/co-worker Coltrida; and in the third, Katie, Jimmy, and the FJVs Cat and Gretchen.  When we reached the hall for the reception, we were welcomed into a typical Tanzanian celebration, full of music and dancing, speeches, soda, champagne and beer for the obligatory “cheers”, excellent food, and lots of gifts for the married couple. It was a perfect crash course in Tanzanian culture and my family quickly embraced it all!

Mama and Baba Amos leaving the church after the ceremony

Me with Amos and Donny (children of the couple getting married) before the wedding ceremony

Next, my family went on safari for just a few days. While we were all excited to see the animals and visit the Serengeti, the real gift for me during that time was having nothing to do or be responsible for except being with them. It gave us time to catch up and rediscover our family dynamic while enjoying the most incredible trip we probably will ever take together.  It was a strange balance, honestly, having my family, with whom I have shared the last 24 years, be in this place that has been especially mine for the last (almost) two years. Talk about worlds colliding! But it was wonderful; they were patient with me and I did all I could to include them in this beautiful place I now call home. We also had an amazing and knowledgeable safari guide that made our experience that much richer. Not to mention, speaking with him in Swahili and surprising all the other guides with our conversations was a lot of fun.

My family on safari

Hanging out with the Jesuits

When we returned to Dar, we began the part of the trip I was most excited about. We visited the Nandi’s, my host family, who have really taken me in as one of their own children since the day I arrived, spent some time in our neighborhood with Mama and Baba Amos (whose wedding we went to) and their children, had mass and dinner with the Jesuits, visited some of my favorite students who stay at SOS Children’s Village, rode a dala dala (the public bus), and had two incredible, full days at school with my co-workers and students. My students had heard so much about my family before they arrived, that my family didn’t even have to introduce themselves to my classes! My Standard Four ducklings were so excited and there are no words to describe the joy I received from watching my family interact with my “children.”

The Nandi Family

Dad reading Flat Stanley to my Standard 4B ducklings!

Introductions at assembly with all 530+ students

Hanging out with Standard 4B

I am beyond grateful for all my family did and sacrificed in order to see my life here. I am impressed by and admire the way they were up for any and all adventures. It is such a gift that my two worlds have now overlapped. I like to say “my American family and my Tanzanian family are now one.” When I go to school each day, my co-workers and friends ask about my parents and brothers, not because it’s the polite thing to do but because now they know them and genuinely love them. And now when I talk to my family on the phone and I describe something, they have a real sense of it in their minds because they have seen it and experienced it. I am so very grateful for the time each of my families was able to spend together. It's really an amazing gift which I will always cherish.

The teachers and staff of Gonzaga with my family

As I look now to the future of returning to that home in America, I know that I will have four people, who love me and can understand what I’ve experienced,  gently helping me re-navigate the home I used to know.