This
past weekend we had our Re-Orientation/Dis-Orientation retreat with our Program
Coordinator from JVC. The only way to describe it was: perfect….the ideas, both
personal and JVC-centered, were exactly what I needed and wanted to reflect on.
I have been in Tanzania long enough to finally apply the JVC values and Jesuit
mission in an authentic, purposeful way. This retreat gave me an opportunity to
process the last ten months, rediscover the Jesuits values that initially drew
me to this program, and decide how I would challenge myself to dig deeper and
push myself to grow further in the next fourteen months.
When I
was at Summer Orientation in Boston in July 2012, I was asked to write a
personal mission statement....describing how I would like to be, think, and act
as a Jesuit Volunteer in Tanzania. Having never been to Tanzania before and
having absolutely no clue how my life here would take shape, it was pretty
impossible to write or create anything practical. If we are being honest, I
have not looked at that mission statement once since being in this country; in
fact, I am not even entirely sure where it is or if I even still have it. Well,
during the retreat we were given a chance to improve and/or rewrite our
statements.
Prior
to the time we were given for that, we had an entire day of silence which,
being the introvert that I am, was so wonderful. At the beginning of the
silence, my program coordinator returned a letter that I had written to myself
at Summer Orientation and a copy of all of my essays from the application
process (written almost TWO years ago!). Both were incredibly helpful for reflecting on
how far I have come and for reminding me why I wanted to do this in the first
place.
If I
had to describe the Kathleen that wrote my application essays, the adjectives
naïve and idealistic would immediately come to mind. I really thought I had it
all figured out…I was so sure of
myself and my abilities; I thought I had the secret formula to being the
perfect Jesuit Volunteer. I sugar-coated the life of a JV, thinking that
because I was seemingly well-prepared for this experience, I would effortlessly
find only beauty and joy in every part of this, that even the challenges would
be welcomed and gracefully tackled. I thought my personal imperfections would
magically be fixed or outgrown; I thought it would be possible to serve
flawlessly without personal hardship or challenge. Well, needless to say, I
have been far from perfect in this.
The
themes and ideas that dominated many of my essay answers have been less than
prominent in my time here. My faith and my commitment to social justice (two of
the four main JVC values) have taken a back seat to viewing my job as a teacher
as just that, a job; I find it harder to view it as faith-centered, social
justice-centered service as I thought it would. I have not asked the
hard-hitting questions about the social injustices I have witnessed and I most
certainly have not made God the center, or even the priority, in my time here. I
had a lot of expectations for how I’d feel and act but then reality and routine
set in; life can be just as boring and mundane as in any other part of the
world. It’s impossible to always think about God or social justice in every
single aspect of one’s life. If you looked just at my application self and
compared it to where I am today, you would think we were two completely
different people.
Luckily,
when I read my letter to self from Orientation, I discovered a less lofty and
more realistic version of Kathleen. Somehow, on my 22nd birthday, a
year and three months ago, I knew that I would struggle to find God in the
midst of the day-to-day Tanzanian life I now lead. I seemed more open-minded
and had less expectations of perfection than my application self. I emphasized
the importance of simple living and community (the other two JVC values) and I
feel I have stayed committed to those ideas. I have not strayed as far away
from myself as I believed after initially rereading my application essays. I
gave myself some pretty sound advice, relevant for how I want to challenge
myself mentally and emotionally in the rest of this experience: “Be present in the moment always. This is how
you will learn the most and be able to give the most back. Don’t forget where
you come from or what you’ve been through to get to where you are today. Ask
God constantly to show you where He/She is in your life and ask to be pulled in
that direction.”
Reading
through the essays and the letter helped me to create a new and more authentic
mission statement for the upcoming year. I have discovered where I have
faltered since beginning this process (beginning with the application) almost two years ago and I have also be
affirmed in the areas I have stayed true and committed to since Day 1. My
autobiography essay was centered on one of my favorite prayers from a Jesuit named Pedro Arrupe about falling in love with something. I expressed in my
essay that growing up I never really had that thing that screamed “Kathleen.”
But when I got to college and I went on my first international service trip, I
knew that service would play a major role in the direction my life would take.
I had fallen in love with service, and more specifically, service centered
around the Jesuits values. So, I used this prayer again to rewrite my personal
statement for Year Two (non-bolded words are from the original prayer and bolded
is what I added):
Nothing is more
practical than finding God in Tanzania,
that is than
falling in love with this place and its
people in a quite, absolutely final way.
I am in love with my students, my co-workers and friends, my
neighbors, my host family, my parish, and my JVC community.
Teaching, the school magazine, simple
living, spirituality, and the pastoral circle seize my imagination.
The four JVC values affect everything.
My students and moving the Jesuit mission
forward get me out of the bed in the morning,
My community, my commitment to simple
living, and my awareness of the importance of self-care affect how I spend
my evenings.
My thirst for knowledge and understanding
of Tanzanian culture should decide how I spend my weekends.
I
want to read about spirituality and
social justice and how they are connected.
I want to know Tanzanians and be invited into their lives
and their stories. I want to know their joys and their struggles …to sit with
them in those and know when that’s enough, even when it breaks my heart.
A simple “Karibu sana” from a stranger and
the faith-centered, people-centered lifestyle in this place amazes me with
joy and gratitude.
I have fallen in
love with Tanzania,
I have stayed in
love with service and the Jesuit values,
And those things together will decide
everything.
So, as
I look forward to whatever unknown adventures and tribulations the next year
will undoubtedly bring, I will challenge myself to remember what I have fallen
in love with because that should at the center of everything I do.
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